A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
