i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
