dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
