Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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