Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize