How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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