Nicole vs. Life
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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