I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
