Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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