Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
