I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
