It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
