just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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