The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dear god my vagina.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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