allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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