i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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