I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
