piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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