how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
