... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
