I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
