i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
