Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
