I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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