so let's talk penis.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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