Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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