I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
