im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
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It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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