I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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