worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
