just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
