My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
