I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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