u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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