i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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