What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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