Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
