JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
