Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
