nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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