if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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