Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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