I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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