I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
