remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
