i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
