1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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