i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
