Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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