I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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