just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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