My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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