Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
