Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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