Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
