I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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